


we're all fighting growing old

by prettydizzeed



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016), Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anxiety, Bodhi Rook Needs a Hug, Depression, F/F, Jyn Erso Is a Good Bro, M/M, Married Chirrut Îmwe/Baze Malbus, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, POV Bodhi Rook, Trans Luke Skywalker, Trans Male Character, Transphobia, chirrut and baze are bodhi's dads bc im weak for that, nothing super severe tho? idk it's not great but it's typical
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-26
Updated: 2017-07-19
Packaged: 2018-11-19 12:04:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,966
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11313021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prettydizzeed/pseuds/prettydizzeed
Summary: Cassian was gorgeous. And his body seemed to do what he wanted it to. Whereas Bodhi still had every nervous tic that made his middle school academic team coach roll her eyes—“The judges think you guys are cheating via Morse code because they don't realize how many brilliant kids have ADHD”—Cassian was athletic enough to look graceful, which should absolutely be breaking some law because people their age were supposed to be awkward.





	1. my heart is a grenade

**Author's Note:**

> the title and chapter titles are from "Rat A Tat" by Fall Out Boy
> 
> I have OCD so the descriptions of that are largely based on my experience but it's different for everyone. I really felt like writing some positive relationships between lgbtq people with mental illness so here goes

Bodhi felt explosive.

It wasn't like he had angry outbursts or anything—gods forbid he hurt someone's feelings, or worse, get yelled at in return—but sometimes he felt like arrows would shoot out of his chest. Like all that energy that made his heart pound against his ribs like it was trying to break out had to go somewhere, and he'd wake up in the center of a crater that used to be his life. Like the fucking Hulk.

Meanwhile, everyone else was just _existing_ like it didn't take any effort—sure, he knew they had problems to deal with, but the actual breathing they seemed to have down. They could take a step without calculating it first. And then here he was, scared of the dark.

And fire. And demons. And the wrath of an unidentified God. And flood, and never getting a job, and being choked by his necklace in the night, and the doors not being locked even though _you checked them five fucking times goddamnit Bodhi get it together._

Cassian had it together. Again, not like he didn't have shit to deal with, added the part of Bodhi's mind that was terrified of making generalizations and failing to acknowledge the nuance of people and therefore not respecting them—but still, he could sit through class every day for the entire semester without going to the bathroom to strangle his reflection and teach himself how to inhale, which meant he had the energy to at least _appear_ normal as much as Bodhi appeared blatantly, excruciatingly out of place.

Also, Cassian was gorgeous. And his body seemed to do what he wanted it to. Whereas Bodhi still had every nervous tic that made his middle school academic team coach roll her eyes—“The judges think you guys are cheating via Morse code because they don't realize how many brilliant kids have ADHD”—Cassian was athletic enough to look graceful, which should absolutely be breaking some law because people their age were supposed to be awkward.

People their age also weren't supposed to brush their teeth until their gums bled, but whatever.

He hadn't been born with the stutter. It had just shown up sometime between his first boyfriend and his first therapy appointment, which weren't entirely unrelated. (The therapist was a nice lady, with mints in a bowl and two boxes of tissues in the furthest corner of the room from his seat, who said _You don't have compulsions or anything like that, there’s no need to go to a psychiatrist_ and Bodhi stopped listening to her.) Some people tried to romanticize it— _his mouth just can't keep up with that mind of his_ —but really, his tongue wouldn't do what he told it to, just one more barrier to talking to people.

(Cassian talked to people. Cassian raised his hand in class and said _Luke’s argument doesn't take into account the political atmosphere at the time of the book's publication_ and _we can't just say she's a feminist without acknowledging her race and the intersectional aspects of her beliefs present in the text_. Cassian had spent years making their teachers blink.)

(Bodhi had spent years watching him.)

Honestly, Bodhi had his first definitive proof of his gayness when Cassian showed up freshman year, wearing a ridiculous jacket and complaining about the weather. Not that he hadn’t considered it a possibility—he had two dads, obviously he knew it was a thing—but damn, when they read Romeo and Juliet that year and Cassian muttered _the gay characters are always the ones killed off_ as Mercutio cursed both their houses, Bodhi about swooned.

Then the teacher said “No, that's not true,” and Cassian and his friend Jyn showed up the next day with a list of 236 canon LGBTQ characters who'd died and Bodhi was a fucking goner. Jyn made it perfectly obvious that she wanted to do something like nail it to the fucking door, but Cassian calmly raised his hand and called it _supplementary material_ and did not at all notice Bodhi dying in the back of the classroom.

Bodhi didn't expect him to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the list of dead lgbtq characters thing actually happened, except with Homer from "A Rose for Emily" instead of Mercutio and, y'know, me instead of cassian and jyn. fun stuff. I actually have a lot of thoughts about how he'd interact with teachers bc of his relationship with authority and how it differs from jyn's—"orders? when you know they're wrong?" etc—so feel free to talk to me about that if you want!
> 
> yell with me on tumblr @basilhallward


	2. turn the hype into hope

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea if the expected chapter count is accurate anymore because this went a completely different direction than I was planning

There were other boys—counting only the times something actually happened, _boy_ , and a name Bodhi didn't want to say or hear—but it was senior year, and his eyes still drifted to Cassian like he was fourteen.

As annoying as that was—seriously, had he made no emotional progress in three years?—he couldn't really blame himself, because wow. Cassian had the easy confidence of being able to anticipate everyone's next reaction, next sentence, and it was intoxicating.

When he walked up to Bodhi, Bodhi thought it was some sort of joke.

(That had happened once, in eighth grade, an attractive girl and her friends making a bet about how many of the grade’s losers would say yes if they asked them out. Luke had given him a heads-up beforehand when he overheard them, but still, it was the first time someone asked him out—or so much as vaguely indicated romantic interest in him—and it stung.)

Cassian leaned over beside him, bracing his elbows on the table in a way that Bodhi was positive would look completely and extremely dumb if he did it. “Hi.”

“Uh, hi,” Bodhi said, counting it as an accomplishment that he didn't look around to confirm Cassian wasn't talking to someone else. It wasn't like they'd never talked before—years in the same AP classes led to tentative alliances with anyone—but they didn't _talk_.

“So,” Cassian began, folding and unfolding his hands, “I'm aware that this is entirely none of my business, but. You dated a guy, right?”

“Um.” _What the fuck?_ At least he already knew Cassian wasn't homophobic or something, so his risk of getting beat up in this exact moment was minimal, but still, his pulse shuddered. “Yeah, wh–why?”

Instead of answering, Cassian said, “You have Dr. Wiccam’s class, right? I think Kay told me you're in his period. Did Luke tell you anything about what happened with him?”

“No?”

Cassian sat down. “Okay, so Dr. Wiccam refuses to use Luke’s pronouns even though he keeps reminding him, and besides, we write shit in third person so it's not like he doesn't know. And today Dr. Wiccam told him he was doing it to ‘prepare him for the real world.’ You know he told Luke to go to the girls’ room once, right?”

“No,” Bodhi whispered, because he and Luke weren't extremely close, but he’d thought they were close enough that Luke would tell him that.

“Oh. Okay, well, that happened. I feel like that's especially cruel, because aside from the misgendering, the dude doesn't get to use the bathroom the whole school day. How dare he tell him to go there to calm down like it's not a big deal.”

Bodhi nodded, a little overwhelmed. “Yeah, that's fucked up.”

“Yeah. So the point is, we want to do something. Kay and I are going to talk to the principal about Wiccam but that likely won't change anything, so we also want to start a GSA. Give people like us other people they can be themselves around, do some activism, all that. And we want your help.”

Bodhi was briefly hung up on the _people like us_ part—Cassian had never before made an indication that he wasn't a very educated but very straight ally—but moved past it to the next pressing detail. “Who's we?”

“Me, Jyn, Kay, Luke, Leia. We need at least 20 signatures for the club application to be considered, so if you're in, it'd be really helpful if you knew anyone who'd be willing to join.”

“Okay. Yeah, I'm–I’m in.”

Cassian beamed, although Bodhi was sure he hadn't expected anything but a yes. “Great. What's your phone number? I'll add you to the group chat.”

After typing it in, Cassian left and Bodhi finished his lunch. His phone vibrated. He checked and he'd been added to the chat, but Cassian had also sent a text to just him.

**Unknown Number**   
_Hey, it's Cassian_

**To Cassian**   
_hey_

**Cassian**   
_Sorry to spring all of that on you. Leia suggested bringing you on board and I said I'd ask._

**To Cassian**   
_its fine_

Bodhi stared at his phone for a minute. He didn't know Leia was aware of his existence. Sure, he'd been to her house because of Luke, but it wasn't like she ever talked to him. She'd been in his APUSH class last year and had pointed out the flaws in the textbook’s account of every event they covered; she was impressive, and Bodhi was little bit afraid of her. He read the text again and felt kind of honored.

**To Luke**   
_hey, cassian told me some shit happened at school. i hope you're ok_

He sighed. It was impossible not to feel like he'd done something wrong and that was why Luke hadn't told him; maybe he'd been too absorbed with his own awful head to notice. His brain repeated everything Cassian had told him—everything Luke hadn't—all day, so much that it barely managed to dissolve over the fact that Cassian had spoken to him, and the way his hip brushed Bodhi's shoulder when he stood up. Bodhi woke up six times that night, mind still sprinting during the short interludes when he was asleep.


	3. you need to lower your standards

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so apparently I can't write long chapters to save my life. sorry. if it helps it'll probably end up being longer overall than I originally planned

Luke didn't text back, but he found Bodhi the next morning.

“Hey.”

“H-hey. Um.” Bodhi looked down at his hands.

“I'm sorry I didn't tell you.” He glanced up and Luke looked like he meant it, because of course he meant it, Luke was the most genuine person he'd met and the definition of too pure for this world and didn't deserve all the shit that was happening to him, and how dare Bodhi doubt his friendship on top of that.

“I just—like, I told Leia, and then she told Jyn, and she told Cassian, and then apparently he told you, and—I just didn't want everybody to know. Leia got so fucking mad, so of course Jyn was mad, and they both just, like, bounce their energy off of each other until they're even more worked up, and… I just needed someone who wasn't pitying me.”

“I don't pity you. I–I'm pretty fucking mad, too—it's probably nothing compared to Leia, though—but it's not pity.”

Luke smiled and brushed his hair out of his eyes. “Yeah, I should've figured that. Thanks, Bodhi.”

Bodhi nodded. “Is there something I can do?”

“Nah, not really. But thanks.” Luke smiled at him again before rushing off to first period.

Bodhi was distracted all day. It was hard to listen to his teachers without wondering how they behaved towards Luke, if anyone else was that horrible and he just didn't know about it because no one they knew was in Luke's class to witness it. Cassian was very obviously brooding, but he caught Bodhi's eye in AP Calc and smiled, which was… something. Misleading.

Cassian walked by where Bodhi sat at lunch and said “You should come sit with us,” and walked away so fast Bodhi wasn't sure he'd heard him correctly, or at all, but with some unspeakable amount of courage, he stood up.

Cassian and Jyn sat beside each other, so Bodhi sat down across from Cassian, who was already saying something about Jyn’s “white feminism” even though he'd only sat down a minute ago.

“I'm just saying, white women in lead roles isn't revolutionary.”

“Better than white men in lead roles,” she shot back.

“Since when do you settle for ‘better than?’” Cassian raised an eyebrow at her. Bodhi swallowed and decided to focus on his food.

Jyn shrugged. “I'm just saying, we have bigger issues.”

“Representation is a big issue!”

They went on like that for a few minutes before Cassian noticed Bodhi had yet to say anything.

“Hey, so,” he said, bending to grab some papers out of his backpack and smoothing them out on the table, “this is the official paperwork for starting a club. We have exactly… eight signatures, so, all of us plus Shara and Kes. You put us at almost halfway.” He slid the paper over to Bodhi, who grabbed a pen from where it was stuck in the spiral binding of his notebook and signed it. Cassian grinned. “Forty-five percent.”

Bodhi felt nervous when he went to sit with them at lunch the next day—how could he just assume they'd want him there again, that it wasn't a one-time thing, that Cassian hadn't just wanted his signature—but they also might see it as him ditching them if they _did_ want him there and he sat where he normally did, so. Both options were equally stressful, but one involved being around Cassian, so it was as close to a no-brainer as his overactive brain was going to get.

They didn't look particularly annoyed when he sat down, so hopefully it was okay.

When Cassian finished eating, he cleared his throat slightly. “So, uh, Jyn—” he shot her a look— “wants to ask your ex to sign it. The GSA thing. And I wanted to check with you first, because I'd rather us have 19 signatures and not be able to start the club than for him to join and it make you uncomfortable.”

Bodhi swallowed and tried to momentarily set aside the magnitude of that statement. He'd never heard Cassian sound so prepared to give up something he'd worked for, something he was passionate about.

“It's fine,” he said weakly. He could still feel fingerprints on his skin no matter how often he showered, thought he could see them sometimes, but it wasn't like he hadn't washed his hands three times in a row long before meeting him.

Cassian shook his head and looked at Jyn. “Don't ask him.” His voice was soft. Bodhi started to protest, but Cassian just shook his head again. “We're only at twelve people anyway, it's not like it'll be the difference between getting approved or not right now. In a week, if we're one or two short, we can revisit it.”

Bodhi wasn't about to argue since he clearly couldn't act like it didn't matter to him. “Thank you.”

Cassian shrugged, said “No problem. It's not a big deal,” and moved on to talking about something a senator had said recently.


	4. in the hopes of a few minutes more

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a shamefully short excuse for an update but I was getting weird anxiety over how long it'd been so oh well, the next chapter will be twice as long as normal to make up for it

It became very clear over the course of the next two weeks that Bodhi was completely and utterly fucked.

Cassian and Kay talked to the principal as promised, who actually said he'd talk to Dr. Wiccam about it, although they all doubted it would change anything. Cassian’s thorough preparation must have gotten them somewhere, though, because the principal signed off on the GSA forms as soon as they got to his desk.

Bodhi was fucked because the form had _forty-six_ signatures on it. He was fucked because Cassian asked him to read over his notes before he talked to the principal, and he had _four pages_ of statistics about anti-LGBTQ bullying, anecdotes from their own experiences, and direct quotes from the handful of blatantly homophobic teachers’ in-class rants.

Bodhi was fucked because now, when their AP Calc teacher went off about how their were only two genders, he knew that Cassian wasn't frantically writing down the homework assignment. It felt too much like they shared something, like Cassian trusted him with something important.

That, and Cassian’s dedication was really fucking attractive.

Rebellion was a good look on him. It always had been, but up close—he was organized, and tactical, and passionate, and Bodhi was fucked.

“How do you do that?” Bodhi asked, trying to keep the awe out of his voice as the walked to lunch. (Because that was a thing they did now, walking to lunch together. Bodhi was doomed, a complete goner.)

Cassian shrugged like he hadn't just carried on a completely civil, casual, _friendly_ conversation with their Calc teacher and then said “I hate that man” as soon as they were a few classrooms away. Somehow it managed to sound calm even though it was full of venom.

“It's not like Wiccam knows you hate him,” Cassian pointed out.

“Yes, but—but he doesn't notice me. I'm assumed complacent because I basically am, I don't actively disagree. You, though—you can tell someone they're wrong and have them think it's a compliment.”

Cassian grinned. “Thanks. And you're not complacent. You're subtle, sure, but it's not a bad thing. I wouldn't want you putting your grade at risk over any of this.”

Bodhi glanced at him. “This has affected your grades?”

Cassian lifted one shoulder and looked away. “Nah, they wouldn't risk pulling that shit. But Jyn got a bad grade on an essay for Wiccam because she wrote it about gender identity and practically quoted him. He wrote in the margin for her to see him after class, so that should tell you what kind of mood she's going to be in.”

Bodhi raised his eyebrows. “Yikes.”

“No kidding.” Cassian grimaced. “But seriously, don't feel bad for not being in teachers’ faces about stuff. You got, what, sixteen people to sign the club papers?”

“Yeah.” It was sixteen. Cassian remembered, and Bodhi was fucked.

Bodhi swallowed and rubbed the back of his neck. “Um, hey, so… I told my parents the club got approved, and they wanted to do something to celebrate, so Luke and Leia are coming over, and I was wondering if you wanted to come? I was going to ask Jyn, too, at lunch, and you can invite Kay…”

“Yeah, that sounds great. I'll check with my mom.”

Cassian and Jyn both had permission by the end of lunch, and Bodhi had never been more nervous.


End file.
